- Milton Ellis of Florida was attacked by Josephine Smith, who claimed to be a vampire. This sparks a yelling match between Mitchell and Jarvis about whether of not vampires are real.
- Cyril keeps touting that Michigan is the place to be for football since the Wolves, Romans, and Tigers all won over the weekend.
- 50 new exo-planets, 16 of which are possible "super-Earths" were discovered. Jarvis convinces Gilbert that they are full of aliens who wish to start a war with Earth.
- Cyril is concerned about the Browns, who had to hire their third punter in a month. He didn't even know there were boats in football.
- Scientists petition Congress to keep putting money into NASA for missions to other planets. Mitchell swears to start saving his money so he can be the first gnome to drink a beer not on Earth.
- Poverty has reached it's highest level since 1993. Jarvis responds, "We have to start protecting ourselves NOW! The poor are bound to band together and rise up against us!"
- Aesir, a Danish retailer, has started selling a solid 18 carat gold gold phone that is priced at $57,400. "That's not even half as much as my most recent medical bill was..." says Gilbert.
- "This is going to bankrupt the country, and what for?! A useless rocket ride into nothing? I hate science!", is Jarvis' reaction to NASA's newest deep space rocket plan.
- Mitchell rejoices when he hears that a law in Florida has been blocked, that limits how much doctors can talk to their patience about guns. "Damn straight! Guns are awesome!" says Mitchell.
- Jarvis opens the show, with Mitchell's permission, so he can shed some light on the BS that is dinosaur feathers that were recently discovered in Canada.
- Dr. Oz has claimed that the arsenic levels in apple juice is too damn high. Mitchell says "I don't care about that, but have you ever left it in the fridge for too long so that it becomes alcoholic? That stuff is good, gets you screwed up too."
- The NBA collective bargaining agreement still hasn't been settled...
- Today it was announced that Paul McCartney will marry for his third time, in the same hall where his first wedding took place. "Can you imagine the open bar at that reception? I'd wanna marry Paul after how much I would plan on drinking" says Mitchell.
- "Big Brother is here, and we are giving up our lives! I'm going off the grid!" says Jarvis upon hearing that Mastercard is working on technology that allows you to use your credit card from your XBox Kinect.
- Cyril can't believe it when he finds out that 2 safeties from the Giants, Phillips and Rolle, were fined for unnecessary roughness. "That can't be true, their position is "safety", rough isn't safe."