- Officials found 7 million year old beaver teeth fossilized in Oregon. Cyril claims that's why they named his favorite team from there, the Beavers.
- Dancing with the Stars started today. Mitchell became the butt of the crews jokes when he admits he'll be watching and drinking some brews.
- Jarvis starts panicking and leaves the show early so he can go to the hardware store to protect his home from the satellite that will be returning to Earth on Friday.
- During a discussion about favorite football players, Cyril mentions that his is Richmond McGee, who is currently on the IR. "They are just saving this beast for the playoffs." says Cyril.
- "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed today. Mitchell was outraged and asked "What's next? Women in politics?"
- Logitech Harmony Link has been announced and will do away with remote controls. Jarvis is pissed that he's going to have to "buy new crap technology just to live anymore". Cyril claims to have invented the remote control in 1956.
- An argument erupts that divides the crew in the first segment of the show. The scuffle was about a Ukrainian dumpling eating contest winner, Ivan Mendel. He died after finishing and winning the contest, and the crew can't decide if that means he still wins, or loses.
- Gilbert recalls all of the side effects he has suffered from flu vaccinations over the years, "...left handed arrhythmia, shortness of blinks, distended finger pads, hair cancer, toxomucositis...". The list continues for 5 minutes.
- Mitchell is excited about the rule tweaks NASCAR recently made for the race at Talladega to break up two car tandem racing. Cyril claims two car tandem is his favorite play.
- "Chinese condoms too small for South Africans" is the headline that has the entire crew laughing, to open the show. Gilbert was laughing so hard that he fell off his chair, hit his head and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance.
- Scientists divulge that they cannot predict the landing zone of the falling satellite with 100% certainty. Jarvis' panic is reignited, and he tells everyone that he won't be in the next day "just in case".
- A UK survey shows that one third of children under 10 has a cell phone. Mitchell starts ranting that "my kids won't be getting cell phones until they are at least 100 years old, hell I'm 312 and still don't have one!"
- Mitchell welcomes the crew in the normal fashion to open the show with two notable exceptions. Jarvis later called in from his bomb shelter on a "secure line" giving updates on the falling satellite.
- The other missing crew member, Gilbert, also called in from the hospital to explain how he was feeling. "I feel slightly better than the time my mother was beating me with that clothes hanger for three days...", the connection was then mysteriously lost.
- Mitchell starts devising a plan to fake a sex tape featuring republican hopeful, Rick Perry, in order to cash in on Larry Flynt's offer of $1 million for such a thing.