- Mitchell and his crew were given the day off today, gives them a little extra time to recover from their time traveling, a.k.a. Drinking so much over the new year that they wound up in a new year without knowing how they got there.
- Mitchell welcomes everyone back to the show after their extended vacation. He is very concerned about the opening story. "Apparently Iran has some long range bullets or something, and you know those are going to hurt. I imagine they are made of rock or something."
- A new story theorizes that Christopher Columbus was responsible for bringing syphilis back to Europe. "I can totally understand.", says Charlotte, "Those Spanish men have it going on!"
- Aretha Franklin is said to have become engaged to her long time friend William Wilkerson. Max can't get over the photo that accompanied the story, "It looks like she has wings or something! Those are some floppy arms!"
- Donald Trump has unveiled the newest cast for his television show, Celebrity Apprentice. Cast members include singer Clay Aiken, and race car driver Mario Andretti. "I don't care much for any of those people." says Jarvis, "What I really want to see un veiled is that Trump guys bald ass head!"
- "Well crap, " says Boyd, "I thought it had something to do with how many of those buggers I kill every day. I'm still killing them though, makes me feel powerful...", This is his response to a study that shows the reason for the recent drop in bee populations is most likely a parasitic fly.
- Cyril exclaims, "Time for me to market my newest invention! The working title is, 'The Spinecruncher', it's a pretty sweet slide.", This in response to a new study that shows children play less in 'safety first' playgrounds because they become bored quite quickly. "Awww, I miss those days," Gilbert chimes in, "I got my first neck brace in first grade getting pushed off the monkey bars."
- Nguyen Duy Hai of Vietnam had a tumor removed from his leg that weighed 198 pounds. "I once had a tumor that weighed roughly the same amount as me removed.", says Gilbert, "My ex-wife...and the removal was the divorce!" This joke is met with uncomfortable silence from the crew.
- During an interview with Steven Hawking said, "Women. They are a complete mystery", in response to a question asking him what is the most complex question in modern physics. "I don't feel so dumb now.", says Boyd, "I mean, that guy is a genius and even he can't figure broads out."
- "Wait, the gay guy from Kids in the Hall?", asks Mitchell when he hears that Yahoo! has named Scott Thompson as it's new CEO. "Oh it's not? Well he screwed anyway."
- The talk to start the show is about the upcoming football playoffs that start this weekend. "What are they playing?", asks Cyril, "Football? Oh yea, of course, that's my favorite."
- A twelve year old blogger, from southern California, who blogged about cancer has died of a brain tumor. "Told you! That internet thing is dangerous! The government sees what you are into, and kills you with it!", responds Jarvis.
- Max's favorite headline of the day reads, "WWF's Top 2012 Endangered Species". Max says, "I like wrestling, why do they like animals?"