Saturday, January 14, 2012

Mitchell in the Morning! 2012, week #2 in review!

- A French man who had been stalking Kirsten Dunst was ordered to stop by a judge via restraining order. "I think I might know who this guys was.", says Cyril, "It's that idiot Pierre, I bet you $1,000,000."
- Biologists are researching European bats for an answer to curing white nose fungus. Gilbert is horrified, "That's a disease? I just thought those chunks I pulled out of my nose were normal... I'm going to the doctor."
- A study shows that some cholesterol medicines may raise a woman diabetes risk. "Can't win with science.", says Jarvis, "They say they are helping, them BAM, they stab you in the back!"

- Mit Romney has won the primary election in New Hampshire with 32% of the vote, "Way to go Mit!", says Mitchell, "Obama got 0% of that vote, way to dominate!"
- "That's like arresting Elvis for having hips! Texas needs me in charge!", says Boyd when he hears that Snoop Dogg was hit with a minor drug charge in Texas for having some joints on his tour bus.
- 'Ford unveils new sedan in effort to revive Lincoln' is the headline that has Max very confused. "How will a car bring him back to life?"

- Hostess, the makers of Twinkies and things, have filed for bankruptcy protection. Charlotte bursts out with, "But what am I supposed to eat when I'm sad and alone on weekends?!", the crew is silent for a second while Charlotte recoils from embarrassment. 
- A new report shows that Americans are living a little longer, the average lifespan is up from 78.6 a few years ago to 78.7 last year. "Pfft, rookies.", Boyd mocks, "I was still crapping in diapers at 78!". "Are you sure Boyd?", asks Mitchell, "I think the rest of us were diaper free around age 2."
- "Kelly Clarkson is going to be singing at the Super Bowl?!", remarks Cyril, "Ruination! How could you soil yourself like that Kelly? Wait, the Super Bowl is football right? Now I'm torn..."

- Susan Lucci, of soap opera fame, will be hosting a "real life soap" very soon. "Daytime Emmy #2!", says Charlotte, "You deserve all of them! You've been getting the shaft for years.", she then breaks down in tears and has to remove herself.
- Tax season is just around the corner. "The hell are taxes?", asks Mitchell. Jarvis responds, "It's when the government steals your money, because you made some and they want some too.". Mitchell concludes, "Well I made it this far, 300 years, and I'm not gonna start now!"
- Scientists think that if we cut the amout of soot that is put into the air, Methane levels will drop to a safe concentration. "Or we could stop feeding Max beans.", says Boyd. Max doesn't respond, but a small smile curls up on his face, followed by a long whistling, "pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft".

- An unnamed species of fly has finally been christened the "Beyoncé fly". "That must be one big ass fly." says Max.
- "I haven't noticed any weight gain, but I've been fasting. Have some tests coming up. They think my ex was poisoning me for years.", is Gilbert's response to a study that shows that American women tend to not notice weight gain.
- Some illegally imported meat has shown to contain viruses that can be harmful to human health. "All meat is harmful to our health.", says Jarvis, "The government has been putting tracking chips and stuff in there, and that CAN'T be good for your insides."

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