Saturday, January 28, 2012

Mitchell In The Morning! 2012, week #4 in review!

- This year Starbucks plans to expand into the sales of both beer and wine. "Is it going to be crappy and burnt too?", asks Mitchell, "Aw hell, if it's beer, I'll drink it."
- "Chinese new year? Year of the dragon? Those folks needs some Jesus in their life BAD! They're a month behind and dragons are a lie made up by the CIA to prevent interest in time travel.", says Jarvis when he hears today is the Chinese New Year.
- A new study finds that only 25% of teens use sunscreen regularly, despite the increased risk of skin cancer. "Sunscreen is for babies!", says Charlotte, "Oil yourself up enough and you look like a golden god! Plus I hear it has a slimming effect..."

- Infants as young as 2 years old, seem to have a grasp of what scientists are calling "intuitive physics", which includes things like gravity. "Babies know physics now?!", says Boyd shocked, "Oh man they are going to be hard to command... I really don't even get that stuff yet."
- A headline reads, "Keeping brain sharp may ward off Alzheimer's protein", Max responds, "How do you sharpen a brain? Mitchell you have a file I can borrow?"
- A recent review of Tim McGraw's new album calls it "serious and silly". "I cried.", says Mitchell, "He has the musical talent of all the gods of all the mythologies to ever have existed on Earth ever."

- A senator in Oklahoma wants to enact a bill to ban the use of human fetuses in food. "Awww, but babies are so good! I hear people saying they want to eat them up all the time!", says Max.
- New standards for school lunches aim to lower salt levels and increase the amount of vegetables. "In other words, apples are now vegetables and they will only have low sodium pork rinds right?", asks Gilbert, "I'm all set then, healthy as a a school kid!"
- News is that the new XBox system will be 6 times more powerful than the current XBox 360. "The XBox 2160 sounds a little clunky. ", criticizes Cyril, "Let's go with the Cyril 6000!"

- In a recent interview Pat Sajak, of Wheel of Fortune, stated that both Vanna White and himself would drink between tapings of the popular daytime game show. "So you mean to tell me I was raised by a drunk all those years?", says Gilbert, "Nana always told me to watch the nice man while she played cards with her friends in the back room. I can't believe Pat lied to me like that."
- "The Earth is going to end tomorrow!", says Jarvis, "I know I've said it before, but this time, this time I mean it! If those scientists are even a little bit wrong, and we know how they are, we all die a horrible fiery death!", all of this in response to a school bus sized asteroid that scientists say could never make it through the atmosphere, even if it was to hit us.
- When Cyril hears that Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich wants to have a moon base on the Moon, and establish it as a state by the year 2020, he loses his mind with excitement. "He has my vote for sure! I have all the plans drawn up for that already! That, and we could have our own football team up there! I could throw a football over some space mountains!"

- Mitchell declares today a "boring news day" and opens the show up a little bit. He soon finds out why there has always been the structure to the show.
- Charlotte, with her new found freedom, opens up on mic and starts crying about how her life isn't being preserved enough through all of her social media and she wishes that she could just get some sort of implant. This of course sends Jarvis into a rampage about how the government would then be able to track everything she does.
- Boyd sees the absence of power as the perfect opportunity to try and seize control of the show. He is quickly met with opposition from Cyril who had been busy installing his death ray on the radio tower with the help of Max. The two of them start to fight, which Gilbert does his best to avoid. He now declares "Mitchell in the Morning" to be called "Gilbert Gets It Out". During this interlude the listeners discover the secrets that drove Gilbert to the life he leads today.
- When time comes to wrap up the show Mitchell, who is audibly drunk, blames the world for what just happened and declares that it "Needs to do better!"

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