- A new study shows that students are likely to avoid careers in science, technology, engineering, and math, because they present challenges. "Way to go kids!", says Jarvis, "Let them figure it out! All that stuff gets in the way anyway."
- "New DMARC email authentication aims to stop phishing", is a headline that has Mitchell in a panic. "How the hell can they stop fishing with email?! I won't let that happen! Fishing is where I get most of my drinking done!"
- Canada's Prime Minister said in a speech that Old Age Security plans are unsustainable. "Well we can never move to Canada then.", says Cyril, "It's a shame really, they have some of the best football i've ever seen there."
- Charlottes eyes light up when she reads a story about the worlds largest emerald not being sold in a recent auction. "That means I can have it at a deal! You think that will make it to retail? It's as big as I am, but I'll suffer to wear that thing!"
- Gilbert is shocked to read a headline that may seem like common sense to you and I, "This makes sense guys! I never really thought about it... You think this could help my skin conditions?", that head line? "Health Tip: Wash Skin Properly".
- Mitt Romney won the Florida primary in a land slide. "Mitt rules over America's penis!", exclaims Max, "He is the gay one right?"
- Pfizer has recalled over one million packages of birth control pills. Mitchell says, "Serves those girlies right, now maybe they'll learn something when they get...", he is interrupted by Jarvis, "CANCER! That's what they are going to get! And they will know it is God's shame!"
- A Saturday night Live themed comic book is due to hit shelves very soon. "Well crap!", says Cyril, "They invented comic books already? I was going to launch those next month! I could have sworn I was the first to come up with these things."
- Two missionaries from Texas were found dead in northern Mexico. "Mission accomplished!", says Max, "That is a weird mission though..."
- Charlotte appears visually worn out, and Mitchell asks her whats wrong. "There are so many stories about Facebook today, I have to read them all just to makes sure my life wont be taken away!", responds Charlotte.
- The news of recently discovered 'supergiant' crustaceans in the deepest parts of the oceans has Boyd very excited. "With all these animals getting huge, it drops the humans down a peg in the grand scheme of things. Soon they'll be no better than us...and then we have them!"
- A recent study says that stroke can impact a child's language use and, hand-eye coordination. Gilbert responds, "It also will increase their sensitivity to smelling toast. I've been smelling it since my third one. I think that was the one I got after my forth divorce from my ex-wife."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger went visit the Taj Mahal only to find that it was closed when he got there. "This is an outrage! Arnold should have gotten a private tour through that thing! He is the finest American after all. Where is the Taj Mahal anyway?", is Boyd's reaction.
- A recent look at the [Football Championship Game] wonders whether it will actually be a good thing for the city of Indianapolis, in which it is being held this year. "It has to be good!", yells Mitchell, "It's the God damned [Football Championship Game]!". He is immediately sued by the NFL because they are unreasonable assholes.
- The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released a map, showing areas at high risk for Lyme disease. "My plan is working!", says Cyril, "I created that stuff! Now it's everywhere!". The crew has to remind him that this is not in fact the cleaning product that he invented.